Humor


bad poetry, inspired by nothing much at all, seldom worked on, never toiled over, half-baked, poorly executed, unscholarly; lacking a certain je ne sais quoi, repetitious and charmless

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inconsequential

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mercifully brief

There’s a tired old joke or saying that goes: “Opinions are like assholes – everyone has one.”

How many times have you heard that? For me, it seems like ad nauseum.

When I hear that, the subtext for me is, “The person that said that [insert opinion of your choice] is an asshole. We need not consider their – ahem!! – ‘opinion’!” It can be a refutation, a dismissal of whatever was previously said.

It can also be a way of defusing the charged atmosphere when the rhetoric starts coming fast & furious: “Let’s not take this so seriously.”

How often do you really hear an ‘opinion’ expressed that is any different from a thousand others that you’ve already heard? Can you really even consider it an opinion, if you’ve already heard it that many times? Isn’t that more like just repeating something that was picked up somewhere else? Sometimes you hear something different, that way. Sometimes. Where’s the thought in that? Where’s the original idea? An idea is a completely different experience.

What am I getting at, here?

Dictionary.com’s definition is this:

opinion: 1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.    2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.   3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.  4. Law. the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.   5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone’s good opinion.

So I’m using the word in a more ‘formal’ sense, giving it a little more gravitas.

When I hear an idea or concept that is really different – that gets me thinking, gets the wheels turning – then, only then do I truly feel that I have heard an opinion that is worthy of the name. I mean to say – it’s nice when someone can get me to look at something commonplace in a whole new way.

And how often is that? Not very often! That’s my point. Or maybe I’m just not listening very well. Actually, I feel like I hear profound stuff almost every day.

As to the previously mentioned part of the anatomy? Yes, most everyone certainly has one. Something original to say? Maybe that’s not quite as common.

How about this, instead? “Opinions are like warts – not everyone has one!”

I’m the opposite of a stripper. People pay me not to take my clothes off!

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It’s a good thing I enjoy my own company so much – I’m the only person that can tolerate me!

This post is a reprint by one of my favorite author/journalists, Jake Adelstein, from his blog on Goodreads. It is in reference to the end of the Mayan calendar on Dec. 21st, 2012 – supposed by some to be the date of the end of the known universe. For years, we heard about ‘the end of the world’ in 2012!

It’s hilarious! And I highly recommend Goodreads to all you literati. I’ve posted some short reviews of  books that I recommend there, under my nom de plume, AmyEighttrack. Enjoy!

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The End Of The World And This Blog & Final Chances. Sayonara!

“This post has been scheduled to post before midnight GMT of LA time, which as we know, was the official time zone of the once thriving Mayan culture, that predicted the world would end today. And please ignore any factual refutation of that based on science or common sense. Did Mitt Romney get elected President of the United States? No. We rest our case.

It’s already the 21st in Japan but that doesn’t count because the Mayans barely knew Japan and only visited the country once in their spaceships.

“The moon shall swallow the sun, and the universe swallow the earth.” This is an actual photo of what is not happening right now in accordance with Mayan prophecy.

Mayan prophecy moves on Mayan time. Even an 8 year old boy knows this. And an 8 year old boy also knows that not even the end of the world* should get in the way of making a little more money. So here’s the deal, we’re offering any of our loyal readers. You bet the Japan Subculture Research Center $100 that world will end today, just to be nice, we’ll bet it won’t end, and if we’re wrong, we’ll pay you double! That’s right double your money. You may lose the world but you’ll gain $200. That’s more than 10,000 yen!

Why are we making this generous wager? Because it’s all about reciprocity. We wanted to thank you for all the years we’ve had together. It’s all about giri 義理 (duty, honor) – paying one’s debts or paying one’s dues, or paying huge franchise fees. Well, giri has many meanings. Pick whichever meaning makes this sound like a good deal.

We started this blog in 2007, hardly aware that we were doomed to end by December 21st, 2012. By the end of this day, it’ll all be over. But you still have a chance to end your life on this earth, a winner. Just go to that Paypal button on the front page. As of today, this is the final, final, final entry.* Sayonara!

See you on the other side!

*End of the world, is defined under these terms, as the ceasing of all human, animal  and plant life, on planet earth. “Today” means with 25 hours of this posting.

*In the oft chance, the world does not end, then this will not be the final entry and we’ll swiftly delete that last line and hope no one notices. All bets made in advance should be considered payment for investment advice not bets in a gambling sense and are non-refundabele in physical or metaphysical world. Peace out!.”

  1. Never agree with anybody. Insist that you’re right. If you’re wrong, don’t admit it.
  1. Point out the errors in people’s logic. Burst their bubble! Correct their pronunciation.
  1. Never underestimate the power of sarcasm and condescension. If all else fails, be insulting. When people object, insist that your ‘praise’ was misconstrued & they’re being too sensitive.
  1. When dining with others, talk about your exotic ailments or body functions. Exotic ailments involving body functions count as double.
  1. Try to see the negatives in any situation. Point out the foolishness of being optimistic.
  1. Try to avoid social functions & places where you might meet new people. Shun nature, beautiful sunsets, going for walks, etc. Stay home and watch TV instead.
  1. If you’re a minority, weird or otherwise “different”, consider moving to an out of the way place like Montana. They won’t tolerate you as well. Plus, there’s lots more room to be lonely in!
  1. Become an alcoholic or drug addict. It will enhance your sense of loneliness. People will begin to shun you; as you will shun them.
  1. Don’t return phone calls. Forget dates and appointments. Arrive late. Never do what you say you’re going to do.
  1. Neglect personal hygiene. Sing off-key.
  1. Avoid showing your true feelings, especially anger. If people do something to displease you, get back at them in another, more sneaky way. (Be creative.) This especially applies if you live in Seattle.
  1.  Seek poverty & a humble existence. Nobody likes a pauper!

These steps may seem obvious and simplistic, but I guarantee that you will see results if you stick with them! Your life will soon be free from the complications and annoyance of other people. However, you may still be the same miserable person that you were.

 

 

Upon the little spark they blowed,

Until the smoke it billowed.

In me this question did inspire –

If smoke, then is there fire?

http://www.myspace.com/theweathervanes

Here’s a very talented singer / songwriter / musician / arranger – Kevin Gunn. A friend from years ago, we recently were back in touch.

There’s some really funny stuff. He’s got a great, dark, intellectual sense of humor – he’s a great writer. The music has something for everyone; some of these are really rockin’! The tunes stick with you. There’s a couple of country-ish ones I really like, with violin and Spanish guitar. They’re all good. His singing compares favorably to Warren Zevon’s, emotive and plaintive at times, if not quite as ragged (a good thing.) If I was a radio programmer, these songs would all be top forty.

I love his singing, playing and arrangements. Listen to “Aunt Bee” and “Honey, It’s the Police” as a whacked-out introduction to a finely honed sense of  humor.

I particularly like “Honey It’s The Police”.

I was listening to the director’s commentary track of a movie recently. I paraphrase: “The human mind is a rational thing. As such, it does not comprehend the meaning of violence. Presented within the context of art, the brain’s imagination is stimulated enough to comprehend the ‘meaning’ of violence on a different level.”

This song, for me, gets inside the mind of  someone that has taken things to the nth degree – some bizarre strain of violence. As their world becomes narrower and narrower, they are left wondering, detached and perplexed, at their own actions. It’s examination via the vicarious.

Plus it’s got a great melodic vocal hook that drew me back to the song, got me interested.

Kevin, outstanding songs! I hope a lot more people get to hear your work!

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“Aunt Bee” by Kevin Gunn

(to a driving hard rock beat):

Slavin’ night and day for the sheriff and his son

Cookin’ and ‘a cleaning but the work is never done

Now she’s lurking in the kitchen  honing up her butcher knife

Gonna be trouble in Mayberry tonight!

She’s heading down the street to Floyd’s barber shop

Now that she started she just can’t stop

Sticks his head in with the combs now he’s trying to breathe through fluid

Floyd’s got the blues but Bee she feels so good

chorus:

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’?

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’?

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’ – now?

Goober’s in the station with the car up on a rack

But with a cut hydraulic line it comes down fast

He tries to stop it but the rack doesn’t yield

And Goober’s flatter than a bug on a windshield

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’?

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’?

Aunt Bee, where are you goin’ – now?

Barney comes looking for the sheriff and his son

Sees all the blood so he takes out his gun

But the bullet’s in his pocket – there’s no time to put it in

Last thing he hears is the click of the firing pin

(repeat chorus twice)