(third revision)
In my young adulthood, the first time I heard anyone talking about courage as a desirable character trait, it felt very self conscious to me; it didn’t ring true. In my own mind, I’d already worked out what courage was. It didn’t include talking about it, discussing it – which seemed like a conceit. It was something that went beyond the realm of speech; or simply didn’t need to be put in words.
Over time, as I heard people repeatedly speak of courage, it somehow became something that I could aspire to and possess. I believe that it became more deeply instilled in me as a value. It takes courage to live in a complacent world. Yet it makes life so much more interesting.
When people tell me today that I have courage, it can be hard to understand. It’s not a word that I use a lot. It doesn’t seem to relate to anything about my life in particular. What is it about me; or what is it that people think I’ve done?
As regards to my gender identity and sexuality, it’s more a case of stubbornness, bullheadedness. I did not like the choices I was given. With so much of my life already past, I learned the true meaning of codependency (it was not what I’d thought.) I came to believe/understand that we can’t micro-manage other people’s feelings. We can’t “make them happy”‘, etc. We can’t change them. The only person we can change is ourselves. I learned the neat trick of creating choices of my own.
I’ve been called a rebel. It seems to me more to the point. I didn’t like the flow of my life, so I chose to go against it; or rather, to go with my own flow. Surely there’s a joy in that. It’s more in the realm of identity-as-a-concept-in-itself.
If I possess any quality worthy of praise, I think it’s more in a striving to be honest. What others are unwilling to say, I sometimes feel compelled to attempt.
Nevertheless, I feel that courage is one of the highest compliments one can receive. So I must appreciate it.
If you’ve ever been praised in a very thoughtful way and aren’t sure if you should take credit for it – the thoughtfulness and love of the words may yet make you aspire to become that person.
There’s so many kinds of courage. Enough for all.
//
June 21, 2011
the foggy keep
Posted by Amy Eighttrack under Buddhism, commentary, Palestine, poetry, socialism | Tags: Buddhism, COINTELPRO, commentary, Native Americans, Palestine, poetry, socialism |Leave a Comment
why I’m a Buddhist and socialist –
a socialist because wealth needs to be redistributed to the needy – health care, education, food, housing and employment… and a Buddhist because I believe in the sanctity of life; and to keep from being ground down and numbed into passivity, the way I see economics affecting people – scarcity ideation
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Men of power, their vassals keep
o’er the air, a foggy sleep
at infernal days end, we mewl as sheep
the fiery furnace, ‘fore to keep.
– A fog of gloom and helplessness
depression, grief – it’s just business
The status quo and its deceit
has sprung its trap on our conceit
For those who dare to dream so free
for immigrants – just misery
*
In Palestine, just look and see
the shattered lives – land, sky and sea!
locked down for life, “They must be freed!”
we mutter vaguely, in our safety
*
These wars I would not subsidize
homeland insecurity institutionalized
blaming the raped,
the victimized
In the name of democracy
and justice
we know what’s best
– what’s best for us!
*
the recent past, COINTELPRO
shot down the leaders here below:
farm workers, Panthers,
anti-war, Chicano,
Native Americans,
feminists and queers,
socialists –
anything that threatened their status quo
*
What present COINTELPRO will the future reveal?
The original, so damnably effective!
at creating divisions and scaring
away the righteous
*
Lady ‘Day, Lenny Bruce
squeeeeze them for their bitter juice
the drugs, the jails, the brothers still
in slavery’s continu-ation
the cops on the corner, clubs all drawn
hunger for the bloody dawn
*
Locked down ourselves, our ruin looms
as millionaires through empty rooms
wander aimless, in laughing fits –
they piss themselves as here we sit!